You Don’t Always Know What You Need
Many ADHD and autistic adults become incredibly good at noticing what everyone else needs.
They notice when someone is upset.
They offer support before anyone asks.
They solve problems.
They anticipate other people’s needs.
They remember birthdays, check in on friends, and often carry far more than their fair share of emotional responsibility.
Yet when someone asks:
“What do you need?”
The answer is often:
“I don’t know.”
Not because they don’t have needs.
But because recognising those needs isn’t always straightforward.
How Does This Happen?
Many neurodivergent adults spend years adapting to the expectations of other people.
They learn to mask.
To push through discomfort.
To ignore sensory overload.
To keep going despite exhaustion.
To avoid becoming a burden.
Over time, attention becomes focused outwards rather than inwards.
Instead of asking:
“How is everyone else?”
The question becomes:
“How am I feeling?”
Eventually, many people become disconnected from the signals their own mind and body have been trying to communicate.
If masking feels familiar, you may also find this article helpful:
👉 Many ADHD and Autistic Adults Need Time to Recover After Socialising
It Often Doesn’t Feel Like Ignoring Yourself
Many people imagine ignoring their own needs as a conscious choice.
Usually it isn’t.
Instead it can look like:
- Working through exhaustion.
- Saying “yes” when you need to say “no.”
- Feeling guilty for resting.
- Struggling to recognise hunger, thirst or fatigue.
- Not noticing you’re overwhelmed until you’ve reached your limit.
- Finding it easier to support others than to ask for help yourself.
For many people, this becomes normal.
If this sounds familiar, you may also relate to:
👉 Why You Don’t Always Know When You’re Overwhelmed
Alexithymia Can Make It Even Harder
Many ADHD and autistic adults also experience alexithymia—difficulty recognising or describing emotions.
Rather than knowing exactly what’s wrong, there may simply be a feeling that something isn’t right.
You may feel uncomfortable.
Restless.
Drained.
Overwhelmed.
But struggle to identify exactly what you need in that moment.
Understanding this often replaces self-criticism with self-understanding.
Your Nervous System Matters Too
When your nervous system has spent years adapting to stress, sensory demands, masking or uncertainty, it can become much harder to notice the quieter signals.
Often your body notices first.
Headaches.
Muscle tension.
Irritability.
Difficulty concentrating.
Heightened sensory sensitivity.
Needing everyone to stop talking.
Feeling emotionally exhausted without understanding why.
Learning to notice these earlier signs is often one of the most valuable parts of therapy.
Fear Can Disconnect You From Your Needs
For many neurodivergent adults, recognising their own needs can also become difficult because of repeated experiences of rejection or feeling misunderstood.
Over time, this can lead to constantly scanning other people’s reactions instead of checking in with yourself.
If this resonates, you may also find this article helpful:
👉 What Rejection Feels Like With RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria)
Learning What You Need
Understanding your own needs isn’t selfish.
It’s a skill.
One that many neurodivergent adults simply weren’t given the opportunity to develop.
For some people, learning begins with very small questions:
- Am I tired?
- Am I hungry?
- Do I need quiet?
- Do I need movement?
- Am I overwhelmed?
- Do I need to say no?
- Do I need support?
The answers don’t have to come immediately.
The important part is learning to ask.
Therapy Can Help
Many people come to therapy believing something is wrong with them because they don’t know what they need.
Often there is nothing wrong with them at all.
They’ve simply spent years responding to everyone else’s needs before their own.
Therapy provides space to reconnect with yourself, understand your neurodivergence, and develop strategies that work with your brain rather than against it.
If you’re still exploring whether ADHD might explain your experiences, my online course may also help:
Already diagnosed with ADHD?
👉 Diagnosed with ADHD… Now What?
Learn how to make sense of your diagnosis, understand your brain, and develop practical strategies for everyday life.
About the Author
Robert Rackley MSc MIACP is an IACP-accredited psychotherapist specialising in ADHD, autism and neurodivergent mental health. Based in Limerick, Ireland, he provides neurodiversity-affirming therapy for adults both online internationally and in person from his Autism-Friendly Accredited practice. Alongside therapy, Robert delivers CPD training, consultancy and conference presentations for healthcare, education and workplace organisations.
📍 Mount Kennett Place, Limerick, Ireland
📞 083 320 6162
