How to Support an Adult with ADHD
By Robert Rackley | The Neurodivergent Psychotherapist
Living with ADHD is hard.
Loving someone with ADHD can be hard too, not because they are difficult, but because we’re often taught to expect a different kind of brain.
Many adults with ADHD have spent years being misunderstood. Their struggles with time management, organisation, memory, or emotional regulation are too often misinterpreted as laziness, selfishness, or immaturity. But ADHD is a neurodevelopmental difference — not a behavioural choice. And when that difference is supported with compassion instead of correction, real connection is possible.
In his well-known article, “Relationships: Accept Them. Support Them. Have Their Backs,” ADHD expert Dr. Russell Barkley outlines several essential ways to support adults with ADHD in relationships. Below, I’ve summarised and reframed those insights through the lens of neurodiversity-affirming, trauma-informed care.
1. Accept them — fully and without judgment.
Research shows that the adults with ADHD who thrive the most often have one thing in common: someone in their life who accepts them. This doesn’t mean excusing harmful behaviour or pretending challenges don’t exist. It means seeing their struggles for what they are — a reflection of executive function difficulties, not moral failings.
Being fully accepted allows adults with ADHD to let their guard down, unmask, and show up authentically. If you’re that person for someone, your presence matters more than you know.
2. Support them, even when it’s messy.
Supporting someone with ADHD doesn’t mean managing their life for them. It means understanding the impact of living with a neurodivergent brain, and offering structure, encouragement, and compassion — especially when change doesn’t come easily.
ADHD affects more than focus. It can show up as emotional dysregulation, decision paralysis, overwhelm, and shame. A calm, consistent supporter can make all the difference. As Barkley describes, this is someone who actively helps — like a coach or midwife — guiding someone through moments of difficulty and growth.
3. Advocate when they can’t.
Sometimes adults with ADHD need help navigating systems that weren’t built for their brains — workplaces, healthcare, education, family expectations. Being an advocate doesn’t mean speaking for them. It means standing with them.
You can gently challenge stigma, clarify misconceptions about ADHD, or help others see beyond harmful stereotypes. Even a simple statement like “ADHD is real, and it’s valid,” can open minds and soften judgment.
4. Be present — not perfect.
Your job is not to fix them.
Your job is to stay.
ADHD can come with forgetfulness, impulsivity, lateness, or emotional intensity. What matters most is that the people in their lives don’t interpret these symptoms as character flaws. What matters even more is having someone who keeps showing up.
Being present — even when you don’t have the answers — creates the safety and trust that adults with ADHD so often need, but rarely experience.
Final Thoughts
Adults with ADHD don’t need more criticism.
They need more understanding.
As a neurodivergent psychotherapist, I’ve seen firsthand how transformative it can be when someone feels seen, supported, and accepted in their relationships — without being pathologised or shamed.
Inspired by the article by Dr. Russell Barkley, “Relationships: Accept Them. Support Them. Have Their Backs.” Originally published by ADDitude Magazine.
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